Mitt Happens

Dear Penthouse,

 I never thought I’d be writing you,[1] especially after the new owners toned down the content from founding sleazy guido  Bob Guccione’s vision.[2] Then again, I didn’t expect three starlets to visit my apartment the other night.

Why? Turns out Democratic delegates Scarlett Johansson, Eva Longoria, and Kerry Washington are avid readers of Austin Dispatches. They visited to try and persuade me to drop my attacks[3] and support Barack Hussein Obama for a second term as president.[4]

Let's just say they intended to press the flesh on his behalf. However, I’d be a fool to let some flaky Hollywood types with an agenda change my mind.

Obama’s the only president to give me a nightmare.[5] I was at a White House banquet. The food was terrible – and such small portions.[6] Anyway, Obama asked what I thought he should do next as president. I hemmed and hawed, because this is someone who plots once a week who he’ll have killed  – American and foreign.[7] Eventually, though, I told him he should do the opposite  of everything he’d done so far as president, and “stop being who you are.” The First Couple glared and I was anticipating at least an IRS audit on his orders when I jolted awake.[8]

So I put the starlets to work doing household chores: “You clean the bathroom; you launder and iron my clothes; you dust. And be brisk about it.”[9]

Predictably, they balked. “Hons, after your last screen performances, be grateful to work at all.”[10] That adjusted their attitudes.

My apartment and wardrobe are spotless. But I still don’t know how I’ll cast my ballot in November. This year’s election offers the worst choices  among presidential nominees in my lifetime and likely the worst since 1952.[11]

Obama’s failings and deficiencies are well established by now. During his term of office, he’s perpetuated, even intensified, the illegal, arrogant, and ruinous domestic and international policies of his predecessors.[12] The demands of the modern presidency, hypertrophied beyond its constitutionally compliant role[13] as glorified errand boy, subordinate to Congress,[14] overwhelm even qualified officeholders,[15] which Obama temperamentally isn’t.[16] Moreover, he relies on a small circle of infighting advisers better at political campaigning than public policy.[17]

Consequently, Obama has strained or antagonized relations with the groups that put him in office and comprise the major blocs within the Democratic Party: Jews,[18] Kennedys,[19] and even blacks.[20] Here’s Harry C. Alford, president of the National Black Chamber of Commerce:

When Obama became president, we were all happy about the symbolism – America’s first black president. We didn’t really care about his position or views on anything. We just wanted a black president no matter what. We should have been more careful, as his views on small business, especially black business, are counter to ours.

His view of business is that it should be a few major corporations which are totally unionized and working with the government, which should also be massive and reaching every level of American society. Thus, his first Executive Order was the reinstatement of Project Labor Agreements in government contracting. PLAs give labor unions an exclusive [option] in construction jobs – all participating firms must use union labor or, at least, pay union wages and abide by union rules. This activity, in effect, discriminates against blacks, Hispanics, and women per se, as trade unions deliberately under-employ them….

President George W. Bush eliminated PLAs from federal contracting and his main reason was “unions discriminate against small business, women, and minorities.” So here we were with the first black president who deliberately discriminates against small business, women, and minorities. How ironic![21]

As a measure of widespread dissatisfaction with his performance, Obama could still lose re-election to Willard “Mitt” Romney, of all people.[22]

Apparently, my previous assessment of Mittens was too generous. In the September American Spectator, George Gilder, his former business associate, writes about the disconnect between Mittens’ grasp of economic dynamism and his application of it in business versus his capitulation in politics to an opposite worldview. Gilder’s piece is the most favorable analysis of Romney I’ve seen, which makes Gilder’s criticism all the more damning. In short, Romney’s neutralized his strongest advantage in the race.[23]

Furthermore, Romney is even likelier than Obama to commit the United States to war with Iran.[24] On the campaign trail, he speaks belligerently about Russia, which has helped American anti-terrorist efforts in Central Asia,[25] and about China, which finances the U.S. government.[26]

The partisan rhetoric obscures far greater similarities between the nominees and their respective parties. The best that can be said of either man is that neither tries to act folksy.

Stylistically, the duopoly’s ceremonies both resembled a cross between a sports rally and an awards show consigned to basic cable, rather than a traditional political convention, as I remember them.[27] In comparison, the Libertarian Party’s Vegas gathering seems almost tasteful. What’s more, the Democratic and Republican coastal conventions were both threatened by the same hurricane.[29] Those parties’ foolishness now extends beyond public policies and into their own event planning.

The GOP has the additional onus of thwarting, harassing and driving away Ron Paul’s supporters for the same reasons Paul first left the GOP in 1987.[30] The question becomes whether an alternate candidate fronting a different party can siphon those supporters away from the establishment duopoly for a significant showing in the November results.

The LP obviously hopes to benefit as the Paulistas’ next choice, but as usual, post-Portland, it's made things more difficult for itself.  The party and its nominee want to attract new blood inspired by a candidate running on the issues the LP’s dominant fake faction deemed “too radical” and purged from its platform. Among other failures, this resulted in the fakes nominating a 2008 presidential ticket that’s since returned to supporting the GOP establishment. At least the LP is finally rid of that rootkit,[33] Wayne Allyn Schmuck.[34]

To be politically effective, the LP has to offer red meat. Instead, it offers pink slime.[35] The fakes face fumbling away another unearned opportunity, or actively recruiting the Paulistas into the party and revitalizing a faction that can challenge them for control.

The Constitution Party might be able to exploit the LP’s failures, but its main presidential nominee, former U.S. Rep. Virgil Goode, voted for the Iraq Attaq and the PATRIOT Act while in Congress.[36]

Meanwhile, the Constitution Party of Oregon instead nominated old Goldwaterite Will Christensen of Utah. Christensen is solely on the Oregon ballot. That gives that state’s few limited government supporters a rare choice unavailable to the rest of the country. However, even if Christensen carries the state, he’ll win only seven votes in the Electoral College.[37]

Representing standard movement conservative views of the last 20 years, Andre Barnett, nominee of the Reform Party, would make a better GOP challenger to Obama than Romney. Unfortunately, he still represents standard movement conservative views on foreign policy. Barnett is on the ballot or accepted as a write-in vote in Florida, Kansas, Louisiana, Mississippi and Texas. [38]

For those who think all of the above are whim-worshipping parasites, there’s an Objectivist Party presidential candidate. Objectivists, from founder Ayn Rand to pettiest follower, tend to be complete assholes and think this is effective strategy in life as well as politics.[39] Despite this, the Objectivist nominee, Tom Stevens, is on the ballot in Colorado and Florida. [40]

While circumstances in the world at large have worsened, my life overall has gradually improved within the past several years. Yet when and how will these two conditions collide? And which will triumph?

On the Town

Aug. 26: Because the evening’s instructor is one of those types who runs on island time, his class ran well past the start of the social dancing at Dallas Nite Club. However, I scarcely noticed because his lack of punctuality gave me a chance to flirt away from the dance floor in a rare extended conversation with … let’s call her “Zelda Medrano.” She might eclipse “Melanie Ordones Welker” as a recurring character.

Medrano invited me to the last salsa dance Aug. 29 at Ruta Maya, which closed two days later to relocate to another place as yet to be determined.[41] That dance was a lot of fun, especially when you discount the stray elbows at close quarters.

I have mixed feelings about Ruta Maya closing. I enjoyed many torrid dances there, but the South Austin location was a concrete shell freezing in the winter and broiling in the summer, until the management added large fans. Later, I had to go to the trouble and expense of wearing earplugs because the sound engineer increased the volume beyond my comfort level. The support staff on site botched the sound when the Sun Ra (Memorial) Arkestra played there in 2005.

The band playing the 29^th moved to Pedro’s Place above the Clay Pit Restaurant on Guadalupe Street, which has been an on-again, off-again salsa spot for six years. I have mixed feelings and mixed experiences about this place, too. The room’s size, acoustics and floor plan make it harder to approach women to ask them to dance. But that night, a gamine dance instructor invited me to her birthday party while caressing my forearm with her bosom. How could I refuse?

The party at Uptown Dance Studio exceeded my expectations. I spent the evening flirting heavily with several new women, who might also eclipse Welker, as soon as I assign them pseudonyms.

Cultural Canapés

The Aug. 16 Onion accurately identifies “Pulp Fiction” as one of the great films that inspired regrettable trends: “… a lot of filmmakers attempting to create its success by borrowing its easiest-to-imitate elements – pop-culture-referencing dialogue, characters with a cooler-than-cool attitude, ironically employed pop songs, jarring bursts of violence, underemployed movie stars of yesteryear, and Mexican standoff after Mexican standoff – without really understanding what made the parts work together.”[42]

I can confirm that. I think I saw nearly every “Pulp Fiction”-inspired flick, with the heaviest and best number of releases from 1995-96.[43] Afterward, the trend quickly deteriorated  into fitting The Onion’s description until it played out c. 2002.[44]

The article also could’ve addressed the late ‘80s Vietnam War movie boomlet  after “Platoon” and “Full Metal Jacket”;[45] the earlier ‘90s spate of Mob movies after a long absence;[46] followed by the early-to-mid-‘90s vampire films . Those are just the trends I can recall. Nothing succeeds like success, and nothing fails quite like Hollywood hacks copying the latest success.

Character actor Vince Vaughn’s production company intends to produce a “Brady Bunch” sequel TV series for CBS.[47] That’s probably about 20 years too late.[48]

The Reading, Pa., Eagle reports that the John Updike Society has bought the boyhood house of its eponymous honoree with plans to turn it into a museum.[49] However, I first learned this news by serendipitously glancing at my browser home page’s link to omg!, a glitzy, superficial celebrity gossip site run by Yahoo! Too bad Updike is dead. Otherwise, he could pen suitably witty social commentary about this matter.

One of my previous dance instructors choreographed “WATER,” a production at The Vortex with an oasis onstage, complete with waterfall and pool. Or else the theater sprung a leak and the repertory company can’t afford a plumber.[50]

Elsewhere in theater, a Woody Harrelson-directed-and-co-written off-Broadway play, “Bullet for Adolf,” is generating buzz and raising eyebrows in the New York press.[51] The play is described as a “comedy that featured [a] dinner party hosted by a bona-fide Nazi for his Buddhist daughter, with guests that include her stoner ex-boyfriend who enjoys pedophile humor, her probably-gay new boyfriend, their black felon roommate from Harlem, the beautiful buppie the roommate lusts after, and the buppie’s black-power spouting friend – and [a] main course ... of the Nazi’s daughter’s placenta....”[52] My first impression was that it sounded like a rejected “Saturday Night Live” skit. Sure enough, a collection of scripts from the ‘70s includes the unaired premise “Führer Knows Best,” with a Don Pardo voiceover:

Romp through Nazi Germany with Sebastian Cabot as Hermann Goering, Goldie Hawn as Eva Braun, and Jerry Mathers as the Führer. Join this week’s guest star Don Rickles in the fun as Eva invites a Jew to dinner by mistake.[53]

Robert Cray and Curtis Salgado, who used to play together during their salad days in Eugene, Ore., and who influenced the Blues Brothers, both have released strong new releases. By strong, I mean worth buying.[54]

Tentacles of Empire Meets Austin Death Watch

Three police officers infiltrated Occupy Austin during its protests at City Hall last fall.[55] The Police Department choose those with the weakest bladders for the job to allay suspicion: “He can’t be an undercover cop. He’s urinating on the steps.”[56] Unfortunately, the department’s action will just make the occupiers seem like noble victims, instead of the mooching, envious rabble they are.[57]

Nokoa suspects mild racism behind the Austin power elite’s criticism of City Manager Marc Ott during his annual performance review. “Critics have focused on his lack of political astuteness, his handling of sensitive issues such as the Austin Energy rate increase, and what some environmental and neighborhood activists see as an approach to development that’s overly friendly to big business.”[58]

Similarly, we at Austin Dispatches have wondered whether Ott, who moved here from Fort Worth, isn’t experiencing difficulty finessing the fissures in the power elite that would be occurring even if their general approach to civic matters actually worked. Sure enough, the Aug. 16 Nokoa concludes, “The discord surrounding Ott takes place against a backdrop of an ongoing rift between African-Americans and mainstream ‘progressive’ Austin politics and culture.”[59] Turns out these “progressives” are sniping at Ott because he resists fat-assed city bureaucrats’ effort to remove the checks on them becoming unfireable fixtures at City Hall no matter what.[60]

Forsaking its watchdog role, the Chronicle joins municipal departments in salivating over a bigger city budget based on an economy recovery that is fragile to nonexistent, or what the Chronicle terms “daylight beyond the tunnel.”[61] Since the New York Times has finally noted Austin’s construction activity downtown, it probably means a nasty slump is about to hit us.[62] Also, police are investigating the death of an architect downtown at the hands of street bums.[63]

The Chronicalistas also think taxes aren’t high enough to pay for everybody’s wish list.[64] Mayor Lee Leffingwell voted against the $3.1 billion city budget at the last minute. It passed anyway.[65] The Statesman editorial board applauded Leffingwell for this deviation from his big government record and joins the Chronicle in belatedly acknowledging the increasing expense of living in Austin for many of us.[66] Like the Chronicle, the Statesman fails to specify the big government, tax-and-spend policies as the cause, and the Statesman’s own role in supporting these policies over the years.

Similarly, the Sep. 14 Chronicle includes a laudatory profile on Al Armendariz, Environmental Protection Agency bureaucrat turned Sierra Club lobbyist. Whenever this happens in the oil industry, or some other endeavor the Chronicle dislikes, the weekly fumes about the revolving door between business and government. Incidentally, this is the same Armendariz who publically advocated crucifying polluters, Roman style, to set an example for the rest.[66]

Not to be outdone by Austin Energy, Austin Water Utility has proposed rate hikes for next year.[67] The Travis County commissioners voted Aug. 7 to raise their salaries and those of other elected officials.[68] The Texas Transportation Commission OK’d 25 to 50 percent rate increases on the toll roads come January – cash not accepted.[69]

The Austin Fire Department wants another station in the densely wooded West Hills to stop increasingly likely wildfires from consuming the yuppie mansions.[70] It’d be cheaper to fell the trees.

The Texas Supreme Court ruled in favor of Austin seizing a downtown city block by eminent domain, known in non-legal terms as stealing. However, block owner Harry Whittington still receives an earlier jury award of $10.5 million, plus another $4.3 million in interest while the case continued through the courts. The case is part of a botched public-private deal, every facet of which has cost Austin taxpayers millions beyond what Whittington collects. If the city had done the smart thing, the honorable thing, the laissez-faire thing, i.e., nothing, it would’ve been cheaper for all concerned.[71]

For some time after I first learned of the existence of the now-disgraced local cycling champion Lance Armstrong, I thought he was Greg LeMond.[72] One jock is pretty much the same as another. Does this mean we can repeal the Texas constitutional amendment authorizing government bonds for cancer research that he helped pass in 2007?[73]

Saks Fifth Avenue will close its Austin store by year’s end because of poor sales.[74] I’m surprised the store was ever a going concern here. The September Tribeza proclaims itself “the style issue,” with page after page of people trying too hard, or not trying hard enough, and still looking like grubby losers either way. Even San Antonians know how to present themselves better, at least according to The Society Diaries, a two-year old glossy new to me covering Austin, San Antonio, and South Texas, but mostly San Antonio. Within the covers, its denizens often appear classy and groomed, more so than their counterparts to the north.

The Statesman reports the city is considering closing 28 blocks downtown the third week of November to accommodate shuttle buses and ancillary events related to the Formula One racing.[75] The Chronicle predicts the “event is gearing up to out-clusterfuck even South by Southwest.”[76]

Immigration officials arrested two foreign trespassers locally out of 40 total statewide sought on child molestation charges. But they’re just doing tasks Americans won’t.[73] The University of Texas officials concluded they failed to follow their own pre-existing emergency plans during a Sep. 14 emergency evacuation over a bomb scare.[74]

The Statesman reports that Travis County routinely exempts more than half its professional service contracts from the bidding process -- $15 billion worth this year.[75]

Business Roundup

Austin business magazine Nside reports that more women than men engage in workplace bullying – mostly against other women.[76] The takeaway solution? Don’t hire women.

Media Indigest

Alex Jones  has started a print version of his Web site, Infowars – a magazine on newsprint. In the inaugural lead editorial, Jones proclaims “Print is impervious to a government kill switch and any other electronic scheme designed to shut down areas of the web the government wants censored.”[77] I met Jones years ago when he was just beginning to develop a talk radio reputation and was astounded to learn later that he’s 5 years younger than me. I figured he was about 15 years older.

The September/October Texas Journey contains an article about Plano that made it seem duller than it actually is, despite the author’s stated intent.[78]

Neighborhood News

Neighbors on the east side of Metric Boulevard are among 10,000 property owners in a section of Austin facing tax increases from five jurisdictions.[79]

On Aug. 24 I witnessed the aftermath of a smash-up on MoPac Expressway’s northbound frontage road next to Neiman-Marcus. On the evening of Sep. 21, I witnessed a bicyclist texting as he passed by my apartment complex. Surprisingly, I didn’t see his fresh corpse sprawled on the pavement shortly thereafter.

Mangia filed for bankruptcy in August, and the location at the Gracy Farms Center strip mall has been “rebranded” The Pizza Bistro, with renovations underway.[80] The Loop Restaurant and Bar has opened in the Parmer Crossing shopping plaza, where a pan-Asian buffet used to be. A gold buying storefront has replaced a Vietnamese-Cajun restaurant at The Market at Parmer Lane shopping plaza.[81] Two salons have opened in the neighborhood. Goodwill has renovated its store at Metric and Research boulevards.[82]

NOTES