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Austin Dispatches No. 186 Jan. 31, 2016


Contrary to the Chronicle’s claim, it was easy out and about to forget Christmas was upon us.[1] Based on casual observation, the new “Star Wars” franchise installment was more pervasive than Jesus’ birthday.[2] A brief phone conversation with Sis confirmed the same conditions elsewhere. However, I also encountered Christmas music and decorations in my public excursions all the way into late January. Perhaps the thin, patchy observance results from merchants trying to infuse the season with the same intensity it occupies in the child’s mind following Thanksgiving, for an extra six weeks or so.[3]


New Year’s Eve, I donned a black bespoke suit, brick silk shirt and vintage Bolgheri necktie to attend a salsa social at the Shoal Crossing Event Center for about two hours. The center’s flaws remain unchanged since my last visit,[4] “Jacqueline Ferrera” was absent,[5] and flirting with most comparably attractive women would’ve aggravated the brittle machismo of their squat, swarthy companions, compared to whom I resemble a telenovela star,[6] but I still danced with a Cherie Chung in-her-prime lookalike.[7] I left about 10 minutes after midnight to beat the crowd, dissatisfied with 2015 and my prospects for 2016, but I'd only lost 20 bucks and a couple of hours, versus sitting home regretting I didn't go out.


My Sinatra Connection


The crooner’s centenary reminded me that though I never met the man, I did meet Art Blakey,[8] who recorded with Tony Bennett,[9] who knew Frank Sinatra.[10] Also, in 1994, I visited a Sinatra music and memorabilia store in the basement of the Reno Hilton by the airport. This was around the beginning of the Rat Pack revival.[9] The proprietor had a suitably gravelly voice, probably cultivated by years of booze and smokes.


Whilst a friend spent a winter vacation trudging inexorably across the frozen tundra, a detail in his occasional missives prompted me to visit the nearest A&W franchise and reacquaint myself with its victuals.[10] I discovered mixing lime juice with root beer creates an intriguing, quasi-tropical bubblegum flavor. Maybe it was the additives. Surprisingly, a quick Internet search reveals scant evidence anybody else has blended the two liquids.[11]


The editorial in the December issue of music magazine Stomp & Stammer delivers a hilarious rant on the weak response to some recent high-profile Muslim savagery against civilized people. The whole piece is worthwhile from beginning to end, but for the choicest of choice quotes:


Coldplay also covered “Imagine” during an acoustic show in Los Angeles in the wake of the slaughter, and you can be certain they weren’t the only ones. You may remember that “Imagine” was prominently played for and sung by millions during the Marche Republicaine public following the Charlie Hebdo terror attack in January. So we’re going to have to endure this shitty hippie socialist sobfest after every act of Islamist butchery against the West from now on? Makes me wonder if Yoko Ono isn’t secretly working for ISIS.[12]


Abe Vigoda died – for real, this time. His erroneously reported death years ago led to an amusing argument in the Nevada Appeal newsroom.[13]


“Abe Vigoda isn’t dead. I just saw him in a movie with Wesley Snipes.” Although the movie itself was a stiff.[14]


Among last year’s flicks, I was unimpressed with “The Ateful Haight,” about a group of hipsters who discuss pop culture at a San Francisco diner.[15]


I Want a Second Opinion


Sugar is bad.[16] Bacon is bad. Hot dogs are bad. Red meat is bad.[17] At least according to foreign globalist bureaucrats posing as health experts, whose parent organization spreads venereal disease through peacekeeping missions.[18] But salad is overrated, according to The Washington Post.[19] Maybe salads need more meat and sugar to be palatable. How else do you explain the antipasto salad?[20] That news is enough to drive one to drink, except now a study concludes red wine is bad.[21]




On Jan. 1, state law liberalized so Texans can openly carry their firearms in public for the first time since Reconstruction.[22] In response, the usual pinkos and ninnies around here increased their already over-the-top phobic bloviating on the topic.[23] So much so they’re making noises about leaving Texas.[24] The rest of us can only hope. That’s when they’re not making farting noises – an Alinskyan tactic that just sounds like their usual rhetorical flatulence to the rest of us, and which is merely faint compared to the sound of them shitting their pants should they hear the crack of a gunshot,[25] whether discharged from a rogue cop,[26] an Arab terrorist, or a “no-limit” son of Obama.[27]


Meanwhile, The Villager’s Jan. 8 edition reports many Austin businesses are opting to prohibit open carry weapons on their premises for fear of boycotts by these same anti-gun statists.[28] When one of the aforementioned opens fire at these locations, undeterred by a window sign, you’ll know who to thank as the bullets tear through your defenseless tissue and organs.


Speaking of the government employees the hoplophobes invoke as the only people worthy to bear arms, the police chief fired a lieutenant who covered up for a subordinate the chief suspended for not being on the job when he claimed to be, and suspended still another cop for insubordination and tardiness.[29]


Also, the Dec. 1 Statesman reported that non-whites were responsible for 100 percent of the violent incidents over Thanksgiving requiring police intervention.[30] Perhaps Austin’s preening enrages will subsequently mount protests against the paper and force out the editorial staff for “white racism.”[31]


The Chronicle tut-tuts about anti-brown prejudice after vandals tipped over three large burro piñata statues at an East Side park. Then again, the objets d’art are piñatas, so maybe the vandals thought they’d contain candy.[32]


A new study concludes the Austin Independent School District discriminates against minority- and women-owned businesses.[33] The government bureaucrats’ union local reports an increase in women bureaucrats complaining about “sexism” within City Hall, according to the Jan. 29 Chronicle.[34] Translated into real talk (i.e., “sexist remarks”), these mooching parasites on your wealth and efforts are stereotypically still in a snit over something months ago and making the rest of us pay – even when it’s their own damned fault for failing to provide even a modicum of public service in a professional manner, without getting all emotional during working hours.[35] Besides, women are always complaining about something, and none of your attempts to solve their problems – really just a deep-seated desire for constant drama – are ever good enough.[36] Furthermore, the Chronicle’s propaganda’s piece doesn’t address all-too-common problems of women failing to get along, or white women managers’ inability to handle the insouciant tendencies of black and brown men toward them. (Also, the best chefs are men.)[37] In all, yet another reason to eliminate government programs.


As if you needed further reasons:


·        A new UT study concludes bureaucratic obstacles are exacerbating the cost of housing to local renters.[38]

·        Higher property taxes are driving independent businesses out of Northwest Austin.[39]

·        ObamaCare requirements are crippling Austin’s gourmet restaurants, and ultimately its foodie reputation, according to a feature in the Christmas Chronicle.[40]

·        Bureaucrats’ incomplete paperwork has stalled reconstruction on South MoPac Expressway.[41] Other delays on the entire project have pushed the completion date back a year.[42]

·        Just as citizens can look forward to being rid of pinko carpetbagger Elliott Naishtat, misrepresenting House District 49 for years in a state that doesn’t want to become a Scandinavian social democracy, one of his would-be successors is an 23-year-old avowed leftist and “ ‘LGBT son of an immigrant mom from Mexico and a Jewish liberal [sic.] dad from Brooklyn.’ ”[43] In other words, a Millennial fag Juan Epstein with politics discredited by reality.[44] Why can’t he move to Vermont?[45]


For happy contrast, a petition is circulating in District 5 to recall councilwoman Ann Kitchen for her anti-rideshare agenda.[46] If the recall succeeds, the voters can run her out of town on a rail – the wooden kind.


Neighborhood News


A developer plans an 11-story office tower at The Domain,[50] where the first six tenants of a new district have opened for business.[51] A trampoline store, an organic juice and yogurt shop, an organic fast-food joint, and an entertainment center have opened in the neighborhood.[52] Two hotels are under construction.[53] A burger joint at Kramer Center strip mall that specialized in French fries shut down.[54]


The Statesman’s Traffic Web page reported incidents at Burnet Road and Braker Lane on Nov. 20 and 30 and Jan. 1, at MoPac and Duval Road and at Highway 183 near Burnet on Nov. 30, at Metric Boulevard between Lamplight Village Avenue and Running Bird Lane on Dec. 10, at Burnet between Rutland Drive and McHale Court on Dec. 15, at MoPac and Braker on Jan. 6 and 21, at Parmer Lane and Scofield Farms Drive on Jan. 6, and at MoPac and Loop 360 on Jan. 20.


Business Roundup


Voodoo Doughnuts of Portland, Ore., has opened a second location in downtown Austin.[55]


Media Indigest


A new study concludes people fluent in foul language have extensive overall vocabularies, to which I can only add, fuckin’ A.[56]


Home Archives


[1] Savlov, Marc. “Seasonal Cinema.” AC 25 Dec. 2015: 38.

[2] Savlov. “ ‘Star Wars’ Reboots Into Orbit.” AC 18 Dec. 2015: 56.

[3] Andrews-Dyer, Helena, and Emily Heil. “D.C. Holiday Special Gets the Ax.” WP 1 Dec. 2015: C1+.

[4] AD No. 174 (April 12, 2014).

[5] AD No. 185 (Nov. 17, 2015).

[6] Quinones, Sam. True Tales From Another Mexico: The Lynch Mob, the Popsicle Kings, Chalino, and the Bronx. Albuquerque, N.M.: U of New Mexico P, 2001: Ch. 3, 7.

[7] Stokes, Lisa Odham et al. “Chung, Cherie Cho-Hung (1960- ).” Historical Dictionary of Hong Kong Cinema. Lanham, Md.: The Scarecrow Press, 2007: 113-114.

[8] AD No. 128n9 (Nov. 7, 2009).

[9] AD No. 137 (Nov. 23, 2010), p. 2; Bennett, Tony [Anthony Dominick Benedetto]. The Beat of My Heart. Columbia CL 1079, 1957.

[10] Bourne, Michael. “ ‘Play for the Moment.’ ” DB Dec. 2015: 31; Reed, Bobby. “Two Friends United Forever.” DB Dec. 2015: 8.

[9] EAD No. 12n8 (Jan. 16, 2000); Hochswender, Woody. "Flash from Europe." Esquire. Oct. 1994: 140; Omelianuk, Scott. "The Year of the Suit." GQ. Jan. 1995: 78; "7th Avenue." Idem., 63.

[10] Eisler, Dan. “Re: Arctic Trip Day 8: Edmonton.” E-mail to Chris Loyd, 19 Dec. 2015; Foley, Jeff. War on the Floor. Lincoln, Neb.: Writers Club Press, 2001: 144; Jones, Jessy, Bruce Elliot, and Don Bolles. “A&W Root Beer Stands.” Retro Hell, 1-2.

[11] Chester, Thomas. Carbonated Beverages: The Art of Making, Dispensing. & Bottling Soda-Water, Mineral-Waters, Ginger-Ale & Sparkling-Liquors. New York City: P.H. Reilley, 1882: Ch. 21.

[12] Clark, Jeff. “Any Monkey With a Typewriter.” Stomp & Stammer Dec. 2015: 4.

[13] Bianco, Robert. “Abe Vigoda Brought Art to the ‘Old Soul.’ ” USAT 27 Jan. 2016: 1D.

[14] Sugar Hill. Beacon Communications/Beacon Pictures/Ghiznoz Productions/South Street Films, 1993.

[15] Cohen, Katherine Powell. San Francisco’s Haight-Ashbury. Charleston, S.C.: Arcadia Publishing, 2008; The Hateful Eight. Double Feature Films/FilmColony, 2015; Reservoir Dogs. Live America Inc./Dog Eat Dog Productions, 1992.

[16] McKay, Betsy, and Mike Esterl. “Study Links Sugary Foods to Health Risks for Children.” WSJ 28 Oct. 2015, Eastern ed.: A6.

[17] “Meat as a Cause of Cancer.” NYT 28 Oct. 2015: A24.

[18] Burke, Róisín Sarah. Sexual Exploitation and Abuse by UN Military Contingents: Moving Beyond the Current Status Quo and Responsibility Under International Law. Leiden, Netherlands: Brill Nijhoff, 2014; Sieff, Kevin. “New Sexual Abuse Allegations Could Erode U.N.’s Credibility.” WP 13 Jan. 2016: A11.

[19] Haspel, Tamar. “That Salad Isn’t Helping You, and It Might Be Hurting the Planet.” WP 26 Aug. 2015: E2.

[20] Scicolone, Michele. The Antipasto Table. New York City: HarperCollins, 1998.

[21] Donnelly, Laura. “Health Chiefs Attacked Over ‘Nanny State’ Alcohol Guide.” The Daily Telegraph 8 Jan. 2016: 1-2.

[22] Lanane, Joe. “Open Carry Allowed Starting Jan. 1.” CIN Dec. 2015, Northwest Austin ed.: 10-11.

[23] Barbaro, Nick. “Out of Their Cold, Dead Brains.” AC 8 Jan. 2016: 10; Hernandez, Nina. “Gun Sense.” AC 15 Jan. 2016: 14; Hernandez. “Open Carry Proponents Run Victory Lap.” AC 8 Jan. 2016: 11; King, Michael. “In Defense of the Public Square.” AC 15 Jan. 2016: 8+; King. “Stow Your Weapons.” AC 8 Jan. 2016: 11; McCann, Mac. “Let’s Go Gun Crazy.” AC 18 Dec. 2015: 28+; Richardson, John H. “The American Revolution of C.J. Grisham.” Esquire Nov. 2015: 112-119+; Wong, Caleb. “New Gun Legislation Prompts Questions.” DT 27 Jan. 2016: 1-2.

[24] Jones, Kimberley. “Open Season.” 1 Jan. 2016: 6.

[25] Alinsky, Saul D. Rules for Radicals: A Practical Primer for Realistic Radicals. New York City: Random House, 1971: 140; “The Farting Contest”. Games Unlimited, 1976; “Headlines.” AC 11 Dec. 2015: 14.

[26] AD No. 184n28 (Aug. 25, 2015); Rogue Cop. Metro-Goldwyn-Mayer (MGM), 1954.

[27] AD No. 166n29 (Aug. 18, 2013); AD No. 183 (July 22, 2015).      

[28] Adjavon, Tsoke (Church). “The Open Carry Law Is in Full Swing.” The Villager 8 Jan. 2016: 6; Milburn, Forrest. “Local Businesses Ban Open Carry.” DT 21 Jan. 2016: 1-2; “Not in My House.” AC 8 Jan. 2016: 37.

[29] “Headlines.” AC 1 Jan. 2016: 10; Hoffberger, Chase. “Acevedo Issues Two Suspensions.” AC 25 Dec. 2015: 14; Hoffberger. “Time for a Suspension.” AC 11 Dec. 2015: 20-21.

[30] Urbaszewski, Katie. “Violence Erupts 3 Times on Holiday.” AAS 1 Dec. 2015: B1+.

[31] Billig, Michael, and Henri Tajfel. “Social Categorization and Similarity in Intergroup Behaviour.” European Journal of Social Psychology Jan./Mar. 1973: 27-52.

[32] Cantú, Tony. “Anti-Latino Prejudice in Austin.” AC 4 Dec. 2015: 24-25.

[33] Whittaker, Richard. “Report: AISD Discriminates Against Minority- and Women-Owned Businesses.” AC 18 Dec. 2015: 22.

[34] Tuma, Mary. “Sexism and the City.” AC 29 Jan. 2016: 13.

[35] Clarey, Aaron. Bachelor Pad Economics. San Bernadino, Calif.: CreateSpace, 2013: 35.

[36] Ibid., 378.

[37] Beatts, Anne, and Al Franken. “You’ve Come a Long Way, Buddy.” Saturday Night Live. Ed. Beatts and John Head. New York City: Avon Books, 1977: 41.

[38] Theis, Michael. “It Won’t Get Much Worse Than This, Renters.” ABJ 15 Jan. 2016: 4-5.

[39] Nuzback, Kara. “Rising Tide of Retail Rent Drowns Mom and Pop Shops.” CIN Jan. 2016, Northwest Austin ed.: 27.

[40] Feit, Rachel. “Kitchen Scales.” AC 25 Dec. 2015: 36.

[41] Wear, Ben. “Paperwork Glitch Stalls Bridge Work.” AAS 1 Dec. 2015: B1+.

[42] Denney, Amy. “Affected by Delays, MoPac Construction Could Finish by Late 2016.” CIN Jan. 2016, Northwest Austin ed.: 21.

[43] Whittaker. “Meet the Candidate: Huey Rey Fischer.” AC 29 Jan. 2016: 18.

[44] Diggins, John Patrick. The Rise & Fall of the American Left, rev. ed. New York City: W.W. Norton, 1992; Kagan, Elena. "To the Final Conflict: Socialism in New York City, 1900-1933." BA thesis. Princeton U, 1981; Kolakowski, Leszek. Main Currents of Marxism: Its Rise, Growth and Dissolution, rev. ed. Trans. P.S. Falla. New York City: W.W. Norton & Co., 2005; Lipow, Arthur. Authoritarian Socialism in America: Edward Bellamy & the Nationalist Movement. Berkeley, Calif.: U of California P, 1982; McNeil, Alex. Total Television: The Comprehensive Guide to Programming From 1948 to the Present, 4th ed. New York City: Penguin Books, 1996: 822; Shafarevich, Igor Rostislavovich. Sotsializm Kak Iavlenie Mirovoi Istorii. Paris: YMCA-Press, 1975. Trans. William Tjalsma. The Socialist Phenomenon. New York City: Harper & Row Publishers, 1980; Varieties of Progressivism in America. Ed. Peter Berkowitz. Stanford, Calif.: Hoover Institution Press, 2004; Watson, George A. The Lost Literature of Socialism. Cambridge, U.K.: The Lutterworth Press, 1998

[45] Guma, Greg. The People’s Republic: Vermont and the Sanders Revolution. Shelburne, Vt.: New England Press, 1989.

[46] McCann, Mac. “All’s Fair in Love and Ridesharing.” AC 29 Jan. 2016: 14.

[50] Buchholz, Jan. “Staking a Claim Near The Domain.” ABJ 20 Nov. 2015: 10.

[51] “Now Open.” CIN Jan. 2016, Northwest Austin ed.: 5.

[52] “Impacts.” CIN Jan. 2016, Northwest Austin ed.: 4-5; “Now Open.” CIN Dec. 2015, Northwest Austin ed.: 4.

[53] Denney. “Development Updates.” CIN Jan. 2016, Northwest Austin ed.: 15.

[54] “Closings.” CIN Jan. 2016, Northwest Austin ed.: 6.

[55] Acevedo, Stephen. “New Donut Shop Offers Quirky Treats, Cool Vibe.” DT 20 Nov. 2015: 8+.

[56] Jay, Kristin L., and Timothy B. Jay. “Taboo Word Fluency and Knowledge of Slurs and General Pejoratives: Deconstructing the Poverty-of-Vocabulary Myth.” Language Sciences Nov. 2015: 251-259.