"If
I owned Texas and Hell, I would rent Texas and live in Hell" -- U.S. Army
Gen. Philip Sheridan, 1866
Austin
Dispatches
No.
140
May 4, 2011
Natch, Fleet Street and cable news have sensationalized the wildfires
blazing throughout the state to worry my folks. The drought’s causing the
wildfires,1 and we’ve experienced droughts before.2
Movie Versions We’d Like to See
In mid-April, “Atlas Shrugged,” perhaps the last famous novel previously
deemed unfilmable, appeared in movie theaters nationwide.3 It
was the best unintentional comedy I’ve seen since “Ballistic: Ecks vs. Sever.”4
This latest cinematic floperoo was obviously fiction because it portrays
some yuppie skirt running a company successfully, instead of into the ground.5
In terms of craft, way too many scenes looked underlit, maybe because in
the near future, America still endures the ban on incandescent bulbs.6
Also, too many office scenes looked like they were filmed in a hallway, in
the manner of the low-budget movies satirized on “Mystery
Science Theater.” Source author Ayn Rand would still be delighted,
because the actress portraying aforesaid yuppie skirt vaguely resembles
that babushka’s idealized self-image: blonde and thin.7 However,
Taylor Schilling’s jaw, like Rand’s, is too mannish.8
Still, I can imagine worse versions. Such as:
Atlas Frugged: Rand, despairing of her failed attempts to
fix up Leonard Peikoff with a girlfriend, sends him into New York's mid-'60s
discotheque scene. Hilarity ensues.9
Atlas Bugged: Alan Greenspan persuades President Nixon to
let Rand manage his re-election campaign. Hilarity does not ensue.10
Atlas Drugged: To make up for shortfalls in the NBI budget,
Nathaniel Branden begins dealing prescription narcotics. Also stars Gene
Hackman and Roy Scheider.11
Atlas Fugged:12 To pay off his back taxes, Norman
Mailer agrees to write the screenplay for Rand's tome.13 Can
a single Manhattan apartment hold so many outsized Jewish egos?14
Or will Mailer lose his patience and stab Rand?15
Atlas Mugged: After her expulsion from The Collective, Barbara
Branden tries to establish herself as a stand-up comedienne. Can a woman
with no discernable sense of humor flourish in such a demanding occupation,
or will she get a sitcom anyway? Co-stars Joan Rivers and Robert Klein.16
Atlas Thugged: Gangsta rappers strike against muthafuckas
all up in they shit. Civilization collapses anyway. Stars Ice-T as John
"Cold Pimpin' " Galt.17
Atlas Smugged: Bill Maher, unfunny comedian and craven talk-show
host, declares himself a libertarian, then continues to espouse unlibertarian
views.18With Camille Paglia.
Atlas Glugged: Oh wait, this has already been done. It's
a videogame called BioShock.19
Sadly, even a middling wallow in ‘80s nostalgia like “Take Me Home Tonight”
was better than “Atlas Shrugged”— at least for $1.75.21 The
lead actress resembles Kristen Stewart, although
she doesn’t bite her lower lip, tug at her hair, or speak haltingly.
I can’t wait for the sequel, “Fake My Loan Tonight,” set 18 years later when
the characters all work for subprime mortgage lenders
in California.
I still prefer my take
on the late ‘80s, though. Furthermore, I can imagine a period
retrospective film I’d like to see:
I, young and rich, having for most of 1988 picaresquely swanked about
the world’s golf courses, restaurants, nightclubs, and jazz festivals, interspersed
with national conventions, arrive September’s first weekend in Phoenix,22 where Vice President Jim Lewis
is to accept the Libertarian Party’s presidential nomination.23
Despite the peace and prosperity continued by the Bergland administration’s
laissez-faire policies,24 and even enhanced by the record-low
tariff established by the Revenue Act of 1986,25 the Nutmeg state
native faces strong competition in the fall campaign season from Republican
Paul Laxalt26 of Deseret,27 and former congressmen
Lloyd Bentsen, D-Texas,28 and James C. Griffin, AM-Calif.29
Audiences might object to seeing my smug puss
on screen for 90 minutes, and appalled by a world refashioned according
to my political, social, and culture preferences. But as long as we’re improving
on reality ….30
In music, San Francisco’s second-weirdest pop group’s second masterpiece,
“The Completion Backwards Principle,” has been re-released in an expanded
edition.31Another band broadly in the same style from the same
era is back on tour but didn’t have new material, so it rerecorded its hits
and challenged listeners to “Spot the Difference.” In other words, Squeeze
is trying to squeeze more money out of its fans.32
The Daily Texan reports a resurgence of Tiki cocktail culture in selected
Austin bars.33
On the Town
April 6: I returned to Enzo’s for a dull, disappointing salsa
social. The DJ had reverted to his usual ear-splitting volume, and
the women preferred to check their cell phones, order expensive cocktails,
and complain to their boyfriends about what a lousy time they were having.
The boyfriends said nothing. I left early.
About 1:30 a.m., my cell phone awoke me from a restful slumber. By the
time I resigned myself to opening my eyes, untangling myself from the sheets,
and answering the call, the caller switched to asking for an unspecified
“favour” by text message. I wondered who it was. Few know my cell number,
and they all know not to use British spelling, especially around me.
Later that morning, I replied, and a text volley culminated in an actual
phone conversation. Eventually, I realized I was talking to some chick
who’s fat, ugly, and stupid – possibly drunk, too, at Enzo’s, with her
boyfriend. I met her at an all-around disastrous Christmas party in 2009
and gave her my number just to be polite, and even that courtesy, under
the circumstances, induced self-loathing.34 Sixteen months later,
my worst anticipation came true. She said she was rattled by my not remembering
who she was. I backtracked on meeting for lunch when I did remember.
April 22: To pay proper respects to Earth Day, a neopagan holiday
founded by a U.S. senator,35 I left the air conditioning and fans
running in my apartment while I drove, air conditioning at full blast, to
Round Rock for a breakfast of grains and dead animal protein. Then I bought
groceries put into flimsy plastic bags that I discarded with the rest of
the garbage.
April 30: Brazilian guitarist Gabriel Santiago fronted a big band
at a church off East 51st Street to showcase some extended compositions.
He made good use of his voicings for the instruments.
Austin Death Watch
A big-time Austin developer is on trial with others in U.S. district
court for allegedly fronting a real estate Ponzi scheme orchestrated by
the Russian mob.36 However, over some Finlandia shots and rabbit
pirozhki, international businessman Boris Petrovich Miruzhenko told Austin
Dispatches that the allegations were false. “We want make money on schemes,
not fuck around placating local power structure.”37
As an example, Miruzhenko cited the Austin Water Utility encouraging
people to conserve water for environmental reasons. People heeded the utility.
Then the utility realized people using less water would cost it millions.38
Now the utility wants to increase water rates by 35 percent to make up
for you using less water. Next time you look at your utility bill, thank
an environmentalist.39
Police arrested a vagrant after his campfire destroyed eight houses and
damaged another 10 in the Oak Hill neighborhood.40 Predictably,
local officials called for more money and bureaucracy, instead something
more effective, like rousting bums out of the county.41
Chronicle Editor Louis Black’s April 8 column reveals that the weekly’s
staff not only griped to him that they were underpaid, but that the rest
of the staff was overpaid. In other words, a bunch of lazy, mush-headed pinkos
with massive welfare-entitlement mentalities and consumed with envy begrudged
even their own colleagues’ financial advancement.42 Remember that
when you read their criticism of the hardworking people around them that
the local power elite regards as a bunch of pack animals.
For example, a local civic group’s annual report frets that more poor
families live in Austin, despite the power elite’s efforts to drive them
out. Remarkably, the Daily Texan story reports the real reason Community
Action Network, a bunch of buttinskis who function in relation to government
agencies the way associates do to made men in the Mafia, is so concerned:
Poor families don’t pay enough in taxes. This means local governments can’t
dole out as much pork, which means auxiliaries like Community Action Network
can’t get their slices, ostensibly for programs to help poor families even
though there are more of them now, threatening the
whole game.43
April 19, the University of Texas System fired an official who accused
his superiors of “suppressing data showing that a growing sum of tuition
and taxpayer money is paid to professors and administrators who do little
teaching.”44 This isn’t really news to anybody who’s paid attention.
Milton Friedman addressed this more than 30 years
ago, and it was probably common knowledge even then.45 Still,
it’s nice to have an insider confirm it. Didn’t help his career, though.46
In a related vein, the plantiff’s attorney in the infamous Roe vs. Wade
case will see her job, as adjunct professor at UT’s Center for Women’s and
Gender Studies, snuffed like a 13er fetus in a Boomer’s womb because of budget
cuts.47 You’ve come a long way, baby.
The City of Austin has calculated that even $200 million won’t be enough
for its first phase of urban rail – not to be confused with the existing
MetroRail. To build a system that’ll please the local power elite is so expensive
that even the elite doesn’t expect to fund it fully with voter-approved debt.
Instead, they hope to get a federal grant, even though the feds owe some $14
trillion.48
April 26, I attended an Austin City Council candidates’ forum at Lanier
High School, sponsored by the North Austin Coalition of Neighborhoods.49
Overall, the forum made me regret renewing my apartment lease.50
A few days later I received a mailer from Place 1 incumbent Chris Riley.
The back photo looks as though he’s got a large booger plastered on his
forehead. Probably just some blot during production, but apparently Riley
and crew scrutinized his campaign literature as well as they do the City’s
business. Conclusion: Austin Death Watch will continue as a feature of this Webzine.
In his April 29 column, Chronicalista Michael King deplores the low
voter turnout in Austin municipal elections.51 This is the same
gringo exulting over the increasing non-white majority according to the
latest Census results.52 Obviously, King can’t or won’t make
the connection, so I’ll do it for him: Increasing diversity within a polity
results in decreased overall civic participation, including voting, on top
of already lower civic participation by non-whites.53 If Austin’s
current voters mobilize, King’s comrades will be driven out of power, and
if the hitherto apathetic non-whites mobilize, King and his comrades will
also be driven out of power.54 Increased voter turnout is the
last thing he ought to clamor for. In fact, the April 29 edition also contains
a dismissal of Place 1 challenger Roger Chan, in a tone so petulant you’d
think Chan had botched the Chronicle staff’s dry cleaning or something.55
This public service has been brought to you by Austin Dispatches.
Tentacles of Empire
Austin police have charged a U.S. Army recruiter with sexual assault
in 2009.56 If only he’d molested a man, he’d be promoted under
the new fagified military.57
Notes 1 Patoski, Joe Nick. “After Fire, Wind and Drought, Something
Good Will Follow.” NYT 29 Apr. 2011: 23A. 2 Smith, Ron. “Central Texas Drought Hurts – but Not
Like 1950s Dry Spell.” Southwest Farm Press 3 Sep. 2009: 1-6. 3 Atlas Shrugged: Part I. The Strike Productions,
2011. 4 Ballistic: Ecks vs. Sever. Franchise Pictures/Chris
Lee Productions/MHF Erste Academy Film GmbH & Co. Produktions KG/Dante
Entertainment/Epsilon Motion Pictures/SuperMega, 2002. 5 Doherty, Brian. Radicals for Capitalism: A Freewheeling
History of the Modern American Libertarian Movement. New York City: PublicAffairs,
2007: 333-334; Keegan, Rebecca. LAT. “ ‘Atlas Shrugged’ Producer Gives In.”
Minneapolis Star Tribune 2 May 2011: E2. 6 AD No. 105n8 (Feb. 27, 2008). 7 Burns, Jennifer. Goddess of the Market: Ayn Rand
and the American Right. New York City: Oxford UP, 2009: 122. 8 Eisler, Dan. “Re: Best Review Yet.” E-mail to R. Anthony
Steele, 16 Apr. 2011. 9 “Discothèque Dancing.” Life 22 May 1964:
97-100+; Machan, Tibor R. The Man Without a Hobby: Adventures of a Gregarious
Egoist. Lanham, Md.: UP of America, 2004: 77. 10 Greenspan, Alan. The Age of Turbulence: Adventures
in a New World, rev. ed. New York City: Penguin Books, 2008: 116; Merrill,
Ronald E. The Ideas of Ayn Rand. Chicago: Open Court, 1991: 132; Woodward,
Bob, and Carl Bernstein. All the President's Men. New York City:
Simon & Schuster, 1974. 11 Branden, Nathaniel [Nathan Blumenthal]. My Years
With Ayn Rand, rev. ed. San Francisco: Jossey-Bass, 1999: 370; The
French Connection. Schine-Moore Productions/D'Antoni Productions, 1971. 12 Manso, Peter. Mailer: His Life and Times,
rev. ed. New York City: Washington Square Press, 2008: 105. 13 Gray, Paul, and Janice C. Simpson. “The Impish Iconoclast
at 60.” Time 18 Apr. 1983: 59. 14 Cavett, Dick, and Christopher Porterfield. Cavett.
New York City: Harcourt Brace Jovanovich, 1974: 299-300. 15 Mailer, Norman. Of a Fire on the Moon. Boston:
Little, Brown and Co., 1970: 15. 16 Doherty, op. cit., 232, 333, 336; Klein, Robert.
The Amorous Busboy of Decatur Avenue: A Child of the Fifties Looks Back.
New York City: Touchstone, 2005; Nachman, Gerald. Seriously Funny: The
Rebel Comedians of the 1950s and 1960s. New York City: Pantheon Books,
2003: 591-626. 17 alt.culture, 87-88, 110. 18 Eisler. “Re: Bring Me the Head of Wayne Allyn Schmuck.”
E-mail to Angela Keaton, 18 Nov. 2010. 19 “Four New Video Games With a Knack for Storytelling.”
USAT 26 Jan. 2010: 2D. 20 Eisler. “Re: Best Review Yet,” op. cit. 21 Eisler. “No, We Never Do Get Out of the ‘80s.” E-mail
to Joel McCorquodale, 5 Feb. 2011; Eisler. “Re: SF Response.” E-mail to Steele,
14 Apr. 2011. 22 “Arthur, Chester Alan” [R.W. Bradford]. “The Libertarians’
Quandry.” Liberty Aug. 1987: 36. 23 Day, Glenn. Minor Presidential Candidates and
Parties of 1988. Jefferson, N.C.: McFarland, 1988: 109; Wright, Brian.
“Don Quixote in the Emerald City.” Liberty Dec. 1987: 12. 24 Bergland, David. Libertarianism in One Lesson,
8th rev. ed. Cartersville, Ga.: Advocates for Self-Government, 2005: 188. 25 Pub.L. 99-514, 100 Stat. 2085, 1986. 26 Campaign for President: The Managers Look at ’88.
Ed. David R Runkel. Westport, Conn.: Auburn House, 1989: 19. 27 White, Richard. "It's Your Misfortune and None
of My Own": A New History of the American West. Norman, Okla.: U of Oklahoma
P, 1991: 164-166. 28 Dewhirst, Robert E. et al. Encyclopedia of the
United States Congress. New York City: Facts on File, 2007: 188. 29 Morrison, Patt. “Three Minor-Party Hopefuls Aim to
Be November Spoilers.” LAT 22 Oct. 1988, home ed.: 26. 30 Eisler, “Re: SF Response,” op. cit. 31 EAD No. 9n46 (Oct. 23, 1999); Keister, John.
“Tubes Untied.” The Rocket Sep. 1981: 19; The Tubes. The Completion
Backward Principle, expanded ed. Iconclassic 1021, 2011. 32 Squeeze. Spot the Difference. XOXO 002, 2010. 33 Rich, Gerald. "Tiki-Themed Concocations Make Return
in Austin Bars." DT 14 Apr. 2011: 10. 34 AD No. 130n20 (Feb. 17, 2010). 35 Bandow, Doug. The Politics of Envy: Statism as
Theology. New Brunswick, N.J.: Transaction Publishers, 1994: 62; Nelson,
Gaylord, Susan Campbell, and Paul R. Wozniak. Beyond Earth Day: Fulfilling
the Promise. Madison, Wis.: U of Wisconsin P, 2002: 7. 36 Dirr, Jacob. “Alleged Ponzi Scheme at Heart of Lawsuit.”
ABJ 4 Mar. 2011: A3+. 37 Friedman, Robert I. Red Mafiya: How the Russian
Mob Has Invaded America. Boston: Little, Brown and Co., 2000. 38 AD No. 139n20. 39 Dirr. “Water Rates May Need to Rise Fairly Fast.”
ABJ 8 Apr. 2011: A1+. 40 Vail, Isadora. “1 Charged in Fire.” AAS 18 Apr. 2011,
final ed.: A1+. 41 Plohetski, Tony. “Blaze Stirs Officials to Call for
Changes.” AAS 19 Apr. 2011: A1+. 42 Black, Louis. “An Injury to All.” AC 8 Apr. 2011:
4+; Schoeck, Helmut. Der Neid: Eine Theorie der Gesellschaft. Freiburg,
F.R.G.: Herder-Bücherei, 1966. Trans. Michael Glenny and Betty Ross. Envy:
A Theory of Social Behaviour. 1969. Rpt. Indianapolis: Liberty Press,
1987. 43 Koletcha, Allie. “Low-Income Families on Rise in
Travis County.” DT 13 Apr. 2011: 5. 44 Haurwitz, Ralph K.M. “Official Ousted in UT Tussle.”
AAS 20 Apr. 2011, final ed.: A1+; Stottlemyre, Matthew. “Adviser Leaves UT
System After Outcry.” DT 20 Apr. 2011: 1-2. 45 Friedman, Milton, and Rose Friedman. Free to Chose:
A Personal Statement, rev. ed. Orlando, Fla.: Harvest/Harcourt, 1990:
176. 46 Haurwitz. “Panel Weighs Value of Universities’ Research.”
AAS 30 Apr. 2011, final ed.: A1+; Luippold, Douglas. “Goodbye, Rick O’Donnell.”
DT 21 Apr. 2011: 4; Stottlemyre. “Firing of System Adviser Was ‘Late Coming.’
” DT 21 Apr. 2011: 1-2. 47 Sanders, Ahsika. “Notable Professor, Attorney to
Lose Job Over Budget Cuts.” DT 26 Apr. 2011: 1-2; Strauss, William,
and Neil Howe. Generations: The History of America's Future, 1584-2069.
New York City: William Morrow and Co., 1991: 324. 48 Wear, Ben. “Starter Rail Plan Not Yet on Track.”
AAS 24 Apr. 2011, final ed.: A1+. 49 Hong, Jake. “Voters Question City Candidates on Police,
Traffic During Forum.” DT 27 Apr. 2011: 1-2. 50 Eisler. “Council Candidates Evaluation.” E-mail to
Steele et al., 26 Apr. 2011. 51 King, Michael. “Hiding in Plain Sight.” AC 29 Apr.
2011: 15+. 52 Idem. “Back to the Color Line.” 31 Dec. 2010: 13+. 53 AD No. 134n26 (Jul. 10, 2010). 54 AD No. 43n8 (Nov. 23, 2002). 55 Dunbar, Wells. “Place 1: Significant Minor Victories.”
AC 29 Apr. 2011: 26. 56 Grisales, Claudia. “More Claims Arise Against Recruiter.”
AAS 8 Apr. 2011: A1. 57 Tice, Jim. “Chaplains’ Chief to Lead Class on ‘Don’t
Ask’ Repeal.” Army Times 28 Feb. 2011: 23.